


Hoot & Holler

by extremelyperturbed



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Drinking, Gen, Supernatural Elements, pot smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-04-29 20:12:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14480316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extremelyperturbed/pseuds/extremelyperturbed
Summary: When Shane's Bigfoot call backfires, Ryan and TJ wonder what the heck to do.





	1. Chapter 1

Ryan Bergara had mixed feelings about the whole thing. There was definitive proof of the supernatural but it wasn't ghosts or demons that had been established to be real. No, it was one of the few supernatural things that Shane had deemed to be possible: Bigfoot. His shock and awe was mixed with a good chunk of irritation. 

***

24 Hours Earlier

In the Six Rivers National Forest near Willow Creek, Shane began hooting his Bigfoot call. What really shocked Shane, Ryan and TJ was a hooting call that came in response. 

"That doesn't sound like an echo." said Ryan.

"Let me try it again."

"Are you nuts, it's liable to find you?"

"This is our one and only shot at getting him on camera!" said Shane. 

"NO!" hissed Ryan. You must have a hole in your brain where the fear center is, thought Ryan.

"Just once more." Shane hooted again.

Ryan hit him in the shoulder. "Oh, my God, stop!"

There was the sound of something in the woods coming towards them, something big and fast. 

"Fuck, let's go," said TJ.

They were all about to run when a giant ape-like bipedal creature came out of the trees, turned to Shane, picked him up, threw him over his shoulder and ran off.

"No, stop!" screamed Ryan. He tried to run after his friend and the cryptid, only to lose sight of them.

"We should call 911," said TJ.

"Who the hell is going to believe it?"

"I've got the number of the town sheriff. Maybe he'll believe us."

***

The sheriff, fortunately, seemed to believe them after what seemed like a lengthy questioning or at least understood their friend was missing for real. Unfortunately, he didn't have that much manpower when it came to looking for Shane and he refused to close off the entire woods or call the FBI. Meanwhile, Ryan was having a breakdown. "What am I going to tell his parents? What am I going to tell our boss?"

"Oh, by the way, did you record the abduction," said the sheriff.

TJ said, "I don't know."

"You didn't capture any of this?" said Ryan.

"We're going to find Shane and get footage of the rescue," said TJ.

"I'm sorry but there may be evidence in the camera. I promise that we'll give it back," said the sheriff.

"Here's the memory card," said TJ, taking it out of the camera. 

"We need the camera to play it back," said the sheriff. "I'm not sure if our equipment can deal with it."

"Fine," said TJ in a voice that said otherwise.

"Also, we'd like you to stay at your hotel rooms."

"You don't seem worried that my friend might have be being crushed or eaten at this very minute," protested Ryan. "Oh no! They might not be able to have an open casket funeral."

The sheriff looked at him. "Your friend is not dead."

"How do you know?" said Ryan.

"Do you really think we'd allow a killer beast around the area?"

"Maybe it decided to become a cannibal. Shane's tall. He has a lot of meat on him."

"Ryan, calm down," said TJ. "Also it's not really a cannibal because it's a different species."

"Please, go to your hotel rooms."


	2. Chapter 2

TJ and Ryan decided to go to TJ's room. "We're going to have to call the head office," said TJ as they sat on one of the beds in his room.

"Really?"

"The sheriff seems nice enough and I'm sure he's sending out people to look for Shane but I think we might get more help if we called for outside help." TJ punched in the number only to find he couldn't reach them. "Huh, my phone's not working. Try yours."

Ryan pulled out his phone and found it also couldn't connect to their home office. "Weird."

TJ frowned. "Do you have a laptop?"

"No, I left it in the office. I didn't want it to get stolen."

TJ turned on the clock radio alarm and found a local news station and put the volume up louder than usual, quickly thumbed his phone and shows Ryan the message. "I got a back up copy of the camera's memory card."

Ryan was about to say something when TJ puts his finger to his mouth to indicate silence. TJ then thumbed another message which he again showed Ryan, "I got the footage but I didn't want to give the sheriff both copies. He only needed one."

"If our phones don't work, what do we do now?" Ryan said out loud while thumbing a response on his own phone that said, "What are you going to do with it? Go to the internet cafe and upload it to the cloud? Email someone?"

"I suppose we can go out and get some coffee," said TJ. He thumbed, "Too risky. I don't want anybody local to see what we're doing. I'm keeping it for now." TJ got up.

They both left the hotel room and went down to the lobby. "Didn't the sheriff say to stay here?" said the clerk behind the counter.

"We're going out to split a Bigfoot burger and have some coffee," said TJ. 

"Ok, don't drive out of town."

As they walked away, Ryan said, "I don't know why we're doing this cloak and dagger stuff."

"I thought you were the one into conspiracies."

"Not dumb ones. Are you implying that they know there is a Bigfoot out there and they're trying to protect it?"

"Something like that."

"What are you thinking of doing?"

"I'm not sure."

"We're not leaving without Shane."

"I suppose we could look for a pay phone, try our phones again and get some supplies?"

"Supplies?"

"Like a pick axe."

"Why a . . . Oh, my God, are you trying to kill Bigfoot?"

"Keep your voice down!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan is super grumpy in this chapter.

"It's against the law and it's like murder or shooting the last dodo." Ryan was aghast at the idea of being responsible for a dead Bigfoot. "We'd be global pariahs."

"I don't want to go out there and be the next one kidnapped."

"You want to go out there and look for Shane?"

"If they don't find him . . ."

"Just no pickaxes!"

"Damn it, Ryan, I'm not going out there unarmed."

"Let's just try our phones again."

They both tried their phone again and found that it still couldn't call the home office. "Well, crap," said Ryan.

"Let's eat."

***  
When they got back to the hotel after lunch, they were surprised to see the sheriff and Shane waiting for them in the lobby.

"Shane?" said Ryan, rushing up to him and checking to see if he was really there. "Oh, my fucking God, I thought you were dead! Are you OK?"

"Yes." Shane's hair was messed up and he looked tired but was otherwise fine.

"How did you get away from Bigfoot?" said Ryan.

Shane sighed. "It wasn't Bigfoot, it was a bear."

Ryan stepped back, looking really pissed. "You know . . . It's one thing to laugh at ghosts and just be genuinely skeptical towards all sorts of things . . . but I will not tolerate you lying to my face about it being a bear."

"Oh, Ryan!"

"Oh, don't Ryan me! I am scared to death of bears. I know what they look like! A typical bear would have scalped you with its teeth, ripped off your limbs and cached your body parts for later snacking. You tell me one more time it's a bear, I'm going to ask Buzzfeed to find me another partner for this series!"

"Where's my camera?" said TJ. 

"It's at the station," said the sheriff. "I need you to sign for it."

TJ turned to Ryan. "Let's talk about this later."

***

"The camera looks like it's in one piece," said TJ as he examined the camera. He had worried it would be in pieces. "The memory card is missing."

"Yes, I do apologize for that," said the sheriff. "I can comp you for a replacement card." 

Oh, of course, thought TJ. "That had all the wilderness scenes on it. That's going to take hours to film again. So . . . is the bear dead?"

"No, your friend was just dragged a short distance before his flailing scared it off. I would suggest that you get bear spray though."

"Bear spray?"

"It's like mace but for bears. They sell it in the outdoors store a few blocks down."

"Hmm."

"Just sign here."

***

"I can't believe we're filming in the woods, AGAIN!" said Ryan. "Fuck!" They were back in the forest though in a different section from last time.

"Well, we need more footage of you tromping through the woods looking for this thing." TJ pulled Ryan aside. "We don't need that much. Maybe Shane's not lying but in some serious denial. Or maybe he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of the sheriff."

"I'd get that but the sheriff's gone and he still insists it's a fucking bear. He had even better look at that thing that was obviously NOT a bear."

"I brought a six pack of beer. Why don't you two have a couple cans each and chill out on a big log or something? And I can film that."

"Fine."

Ryan and Shane were sitting on a log, each with a can of beer. Ryan pulled the bear spray from his pocket and said, "This is bear spray, something that is supposed to stop a bear in its tracks, something that can run up to 35 miles per hour and weighs three times as much as I do. This little canister . . . I think it's bullshit. And I can't see this keeping away a Bigfoot." Ryan frowned. "What's that sound?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bear attack description Ryan is referencing is based on the story of Timothy Treadwell, a man camped out among grizzlies in Alaska only to be killed by one of them when he overstayed his welcome one summer. The Grizzly Maze: Timothy Treadwell's Fatal Obsession with Alaskan Bears is a fascinating book. 
> 
> http://www.tahoewildbears.org/black_bear_facts.htm Black bears are the only kind of bear in California, where Willow Creek is located. Black bears only go up to 500 pounds and not 1000 as estimated for Bigfoots which makes Shane's insistence that much more specious to Ryan.
> 
> Bear spray works but one caveat. Move quickly away from there because while bears don't like it blasted in their eyes, they like the taste of the residue. They're into the spiciness. (this info is also from the book The Grizzly Maze)


	4. Chapter 4

"What?" said Shane.

"Shhh!" said Ryan. "I heard something coming towards us. Over there!" He took the bear spray and began spraying it in the general direction of the sound. I do not want wildlife bursting out of the woods two days in a row, he thought.

"Stop wasting the bear spray!" said Shane.

"Stop!" said a voice from the woods. "It's already stinging my eyes!"

Ryan put his canister down. "What the fuck?"

A young man stepped from the trees. 

Shane said, "What are you doing here?" 

Ryan turned to Shane and said, "You know him?"

"Please turn off the camera," said the man. 

TJ reluctantly turned off the camera.

Shane said, "Does your dad know you're here?"

"No."

"Ok, who is this guy?" said Ryan.

"Um, he was there when I was found," said Shane.

"I was the one who kidnapped him, the young man said.

"So . . . you were a guy in a giant gorilla mecha suit?" said TJ. 

"Can I sit down?"

"OK," said Ryan.

After he sat down, he said, "Can I have a beer?"

"One can."

After the young man sat down and opened up the can of beer, Ryan said, "I want you to tell us who you are and explain yourself." Ryan still wondered if the guy was just after a free can of beer.

"My name is Casey and I'm the sheriff's son."

"I hate to point this out but you're shorter and lighter than I am," said Ryan. "I've started working out but no way could I ever throw Shane over my shoulder and run off into the woods." It truly felt bizarre to be the skeptic for once. It felt very icky.

Casey calmly said, "I am a werefoot."

"A werefoot?" said Ryan.

"It's like a mashup of a werewolf and a Bigfoot. I'm human most of the time but every month I have a Bigfoot thing happening."

"What?" said Ryan, his expression showing that his brain was melting.

TJ decided he needed a beer and cracked one open.

"After he up and runs off with me," said Shane. "He was very much like Hugo the Snowman in those old Warner Brother cartoons, all hugging and squeezing and calling me George except he couldn't really speak. He goes into a cave and goes to take a nap and he's got his arm wrapped around me so I couldn't sneak away. After about an hour or so, his dad comes walking in with a flashlight and manages to get me free."

"OK, but how is it he's back to normal size? And why are you telling us this now?" said Ryan.

Casey said, "I'm letting Shane tell you this because it's my way of apologizing. I don't want you to be mad at him for lying on my behalf. And I didn't want you to keep looking in the woods for me."

"Um, you didn't bite him, did you? He's not going to . . ."

"No, he's not going to become a werefoot. The only thing I have in common with a werewolf is the monthly changes and the hair."

"This can't be the only reason you're here," said TJ.

"I'd like you not to spread word about it."

"I don't understand. The whole reason people come here is because people think Bigfoot is here," said Ryan.

"But it's not taken seriously by people who can really make things happen . . . in a bad way. I'm asking you not to tell people about this."

"You're asking us to say we never saw Bigfoot," said TJ.

"I'm asking you to say you never saw ME," said Casey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Hugo the Snowman reference is illustrated in this video: https://youtu.be/ArNz8U7tgU4


	5. Chapter 5

Shane looked at Ryan and TJ. "I think we can do that, right? I mean I'm not interested in seeing this guy in a cage or experimented on."

"I don't mind keeping his identity secret but we'd be lying if we said we didn't see a Bigfoot here," said TJ. "Why are we here if we're not here to find proof of Bigfoot."

"Get paid?" said Shane. "I'm OK with mysteries remaining mysteries, especially if the cost of unveiling is too high. Even harassment through social media would be a total pain in the ass. What do you think, Ryan?"

"I'm still having problem believing that Casey is Bigfoot. Who's going to believe us?" said Ryan. "Everybody will be wondering what we're smoking."

"Oh, that reminds me. I have a joint. Want to share?" said Casey, pulling a somewhat bent joint from his pocket. "I'm treating you because I messed up your shoot."

TJ stared at the joint. "It's not laced with poison, is it?"

Casey looked genuinely upset at the suggestion. "No! I'm not a killer and besides you three dead or disappeared would make your families, your company and a whole swarm of FBI agents come here. I'll take the first puff." 

"You're not going to narc us out to your dad, are you?" said Shane.

"Hi, dad, I smoked some pot with three strangers!" said Casey sarcastically.

"Ok, you made your point," said Shane. "I'll smoke some of that grass."

"I'll try a puff after Shane tries it," said Ryan.

Casey expertly lit it, took a puff, coughed a little and passed it to Shane, who toked it and went, "Woo, it's a little strong. Here, Ryan."

Ryan cautiously took a puff.

TJ put up his hand to indicate refusal. "I think we need someone sober here."

"I was just thinking that you being a werefoot solves so many problems," said Shane.

"What do you mean?" said Casey.

"The reason we don't see too much of Bigfoot is because most of the time you're human. If all Bigfoots are werefoots then it explains why we never find a dead one, assuming you revert to human form upon death. There doesn't need to be a huge herd . . . cluster of Bigfoots because they live among non-werefoot humans." He seemed rather satisfied with it before frowning. "Though it doesn't explain how you can suddenly gain mass. I mean you were at least four-five times your current size . . ."

"I don't know, magic, it's weird . . ." said Casey.

"That so defies the laws of physics," said Shane.

"You're not just hiding Bigfoot, are you?" said Ryan, still suspicious. 

Casey said, "I can't always control it but . . ." He raised his hand and it morphed into a smaller version of Bigfoot's dark furry hand before returning to normal.

Ryan Bergara had mixed feelings about the whole thing. There was definitive proof of the supernatural but it wasn't ghosts or demons that had been established to be real. No, it was one of the few supernatural things that Shane had deemed to be possible: Bigfoot. His shock and awe was mixed with a good chunk of sourness. "It's so unfair," said Ryan. "Why can't I have a ghost come up to me and offer me a joint?"

"Maybe because it doesn't want to smell your poopy pants," said Shane before giggling uncontrollably.

"Oh, my God, you are so high. TJ, are you sure you don't want to try some?" said Ryan, holding the joint.

"I'm sure."

"You're not going to need therapy, are you?" said Casey, taking the joint back from Ryan.

"No, no," said Shane. "I don't think I was that traumatized."

"Hey, Casey, have you ever seen a ghost?" said Ryan to Casey. "Or a demon or a witch?"

"Sorry, I'm the only supernatural thing I know about. Though if I'm possible, lots of other things must be."

"Oh, hey, that's true!" said Ryan, cheering up.

Casey, Ryan and Shane took another toke of the joint. Within a minute, Ryan and Shane were snoring away, leaving only Casey and TJ awake.

"What did you do?" said TJ, holding up a canister of bear spray. Oh, shit, he thought. 

"I didn't do anything. It's just that the joint is a bit strong and the Bigfoot part of my body is resistant to being stoned. It takes a lot to make me even slightly buzzed. They're just asleep and I wanted to talk to you without interruption. My dad took the memory card from the camera and he does plan on giving you a check for it in the mail after some bureaucratic processing. However, I noticed there was a slot for another memory card in the camera and I want the backup copy. You're going to give it to me."

"Or else you'll turn into a giant ape like creature and come after me." TJ knew that any lying about it would be exposed as such the second the footage hit the air. 

"Or you could give it to me because you're a good person with a working brain."

TJ scowled, pulled out the memory card from his inner jacket pocket and tossed it to him.

"Are you sure you don't want a puff of this?" said Casey holding up the joint after he put away the memory card in his pocket.

"I'm sure."

***

"Are you going to be in this shitty of a mood the rest of the way home?" said Shane from the back seat as TJ drove the car unto the freeway going south. 

"Yes," said TJ. "I'm not going to relax until we're back in Los Angeles."

Ryan said, "We're not going to get thrown off a cliff."

"Whatever."

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit that I mostly wanted to write about the concept of a werefoot, mostly because it does explain why a Bigfoot is hard to find.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know who the camera person is in real life but I know that TJ went with them that one time to the Eastern State Penitentiary. So I decided to use him as the camera man for this particular episode.


End file.
